Lost love

Sometimes two people meet for whatever the reason, sparks fly but only to let it flicker out to then move on into different paths. It sucks. And sometimes you let years pass by, still thinking about it.

Playground Love is Playing in the Background

I will never really know what his true thoughts and feelings were. Maybe I was just imagining it all? But no, eyes can’t lie. Especially men’s stare, can tell a lot. The simple way to describe my experience was that: he saw me. Like, really saw Me. Time got warped, the room seemed small, our surroundings got faded. All of this was gathering towards this one moment of us melting into one by looking into each other’s eyes. Even my friends could see it.

I’ve only once before felt a magnetic attraction like this one. Yet, this was slightly different. It was stronger and it was obvious. I’ve never had a man I felt attracted to reciprocate with such intensity. I fell in love with him within the time it took him to know my name.
And when he showed signs of interest my heart got pulled inside out, exposed, in a manner I couldn’t grasp. But I felt safe and high in his company, being near him filled me with such love that lasted hours. I could happily step in front of a moving car and die in the bliss I was in.

I later found out that he had a girlfriend at the time. That explained his hot and cold behavior towards me. There were times when he would seem genuinely happy to see me, and I would feel special and selected. Then there would be times he would not look my way and pass me by like I was part of the decor.

Maybe my intense feelings scared him off, no matter how much I tried to keep it together? Or he was consumed by his own thoughts that he would even have walked past his own best friend? Or even maybe, he felt confused by his feelings considering his girlfriend, ignoring me was the best option.
No matter the reason, it broke me down one day and I decided to ignore him back. I couldn’t deal being played with. Even if the possibility was there, I wasn’t up for the gossip that would come after.

What remained was an acquaintance with mutual friends that I rarely if ever talked to. And as time went by, our physical bond did not hold and life kept moving forward. Drifting further and further apart.
Mentally, I still have dreams about him; where I struggle with processing and expressing my feelings to him without forgetting about my current boyfriend.
I had to eventually let love in and fall in love with someone else, as it was made clear that this encounter was just silly torture. Some kind of lesson, that Life made up for me to experience.
I wasn’t planning on going to school that morning and have that class. Yet, I went and it wrenched my heart the following months and years to come. While it felt like magic, it didn’t lead to anything. And looking back, I could’ve been better off without this experience. What was it that pulled me to go that awful Tuesday morning?

I never asked for a romantic relationship. Despite the attraction I felt being out of this world, the love I felt could easily be described as one a mother feels for her son. I wanted him to succeed in his life, being able to express his talents. If I couldn’t be in the picture, I would take a step back out of the enormous love I have for him.

Out of love, I let him go.

All I really asked for was to get to know him better, find out what it was I was feeling for this stranger. Friendship could have been enough for me.
I won’t lie, it feels strange to love someone you don’t know, even more, to still be thinking about that person eight years later. But in other dimensions, it’s like we’ve met before. He seems familiar. Like we’ve crossed paths a long time ago. Not in this lifetime, no. We have loved before, intensely.

My soul was happy to see him.

I know that I sound like a mad infatuated woman, but would an obsessive woman let go so easily? It also doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him. I miss him like my other half. And this I say without even have been remotely close to him to generate these feelings of lack. I don’t even know this person, and still, I feel like I’m missing out on so much by not being near him.

I didn’t know I missed him until I met him.

I suspect it’s majorly the feelings of loss that keeps him in my thoughts. I keep wondering if we’ll ever meet again. Did he feel what I felt, and if so, why didn’t he propose being friends? Considering our joint interests and mutual friends. Or did he feel the same, which was too much to deal at the time and scared him? Whatever answer he’ll give me, I will understand, more than anyone would ever know. I feel like I deserve to know if I’m crazy or if it all was real. But I guess I’ll never know the end to this story.
And so will never you.

I think this encounter thought me much about love and how to deal with it.

Of course, there’s the possibility that he never thought much about me. Flattered by me liking him, he acted kind. But really, he couldn’t be bothered so he started ignoring me. As hard as it is for me to embrace this possibility, I know I need to explore and dwell in it.
In fact, I’m sure he’s forgotten our encounter by now and hasn’t put much thought in it since. I’m feeling, he affected me more than I may have influenced his life.

Even if we would meet again and everything would fall into place, it’s still scary how I’ve had my mind on him after all these years. It will never work. It’s too fucked up by this point.
Nevertheless, I will never forget how a strong encounter lead to nothing but my worst teenage angst in history. My belief in magic has slowly faded because of its misuse. Magic should lead to something Big and Important, not be scattered to an opaque distant memory. But I guess that’s the difference between a movie and real life. In reality, things never wrap up into a happy and contentful ending. And despite efforts, may not end up being meaningful.

Have you ever had to let go of someone and kept on still thinking about that person?
Did the experience thought you something and how did you manage to move on?
Share your story in the comments below, I’d love to hear it!