First published in June/July 2017 Frivolous Girl Newsletter
A day in June 2005:
“I will bet you a ten that I can lose 5 kilos by the end of the summer!” I told my best friend and next-door neighbor.
I was fourteen years old at the time. I had just reached a point where there was no denying that my depression and anxiety were morphing into a physical object of fat. It was taking over my arms, stomach, legs, and not the least, my ass – which easily became the subject when talking behind my back. I had no control, the weight kept on piling at a rapid pace.
This might surprise you, and except for a short break when I was five to seven years old and active, I’ve had always been a chubby kid.
It mainly started as an experiment, as I badly wanted to know what it’s like to be thin.
“Yeah, sure, whatever…” She answered, not taking my bet seriously, as I was known to be a bit frivolous even back then.
Letting Go, Becoming Alone and Feeling Light
I never got that ten, which was about a dollar worth, handed to me. Shortly after that moment, it wasn’t about the deal, it was much bigger.
I started modifying my surroundings as much as possible. As almost 20 years have gone by, I don’t remember what triggered it. I just remember I was left with a feeling of wanting drastic change. And that change meant cutting ties with anyone that didn’t feel like a good friend. And my best friend didn’t make the cut.
Actually, no one did.
For the first time in my life, I was lonely by choice and the loneliness didn’t bother me.
In contrast, it was the most liberating feeling of them all. The truth was that I felt more lonely having all these “friends” to conform to than having none of them.
I was one of those kids that had awful problems getting playmates ever since kindergarten. There wasn’t anything wrong with me. I was just a shy kid that didn’t feel connected with kids my own age. I was always pushed to interact with kids I didn’t really click with. I gave them my best effort, but sometimes it would end with the other kid not being nice to me.
Girls were the worst and would always treat me like a disposable third wheel.
So as a result, when I made the decision to become a loner on my own terms – because I didn’t want any – I was not only figuratively speaking lighter in my body. But I was actually five kilos lighter at the end of the summer as promised. And it kept on shedding off.
* * * * *
I rarely – if ever – mention my weight loss story nowadays.
It’s my teenage metamorphosis. It was, and still is, one of the biggest turning points in my life. Because of that, it’s hard for me to talk about it without mentioning all the other struggles I went through to get to that point. And all the revelations I got coming out of it.
The short story would be: I lost 30 kilos within one and a half years on my own. I then, on my own, saught out help for anorexia. I fell into a binge eating disorder. I gained back about 25 kilos over the course of a year. And I then lost 15 kilos naturally over the course of 2 years. Since then, I’ve stayed mostly at a steady and healthy weight for almost a decade now only shifting the fat-to-muscle ratio.
You need to be obsessed with your idea until it devours you and it feels natural, and with time it becomes the new you without any thought or effort.
Obsession Is A Good Thing
At the time, this transformation was a big deal. I got told what a good character I had and how valuable that is.
I’ve never seen and still don’t see myself as someone with a “Personality A”-disorder. But I’ve come to realize that no matter what you want to accomplish, you have to have this constant obsession with your goal.
Unfortunately, fitness is the only thing in my life that I seem to be able to keep a constant focus on. Not to the point that it ruins my life, but in a positive way that keeps me at my goal. There are days I envy myself and wish I could have the same amount of dedication and ambition in other aspects of my life.
I know the secret, but for some reason, I can only put that amount of effort into my fitness. But perhaps it’s because the steps around fitness and losing weight are much more clear than in other areas of one’s life.
My mom has struggled with weight since I was born. I always tell her, that in order to change you need to be that changed person now. Do the things that this changed person would do. In other words, you can’t be and act the way you are now and expect a change. You need to be obsessed with your idea until it devours you and it feels natural, and with time it becomes the new you without any thought or effort.
I still remember my fourteen-year-old self who had to tell her mom to stop and take a break, as she couldn’t keep up with her on power walks, especially uphill. And how a year later, her mom couldn’t keep up with her as she ran up that same hill.
* * * * *
August 2006:
It was the first day of school after the summer break, and we had just finished our first class. One of the guys in my class that I’d usually hang out with ran up to me at the lockers.
“Isabel! You’re… You’re… THIN?!” He was the first person to say the obvious out loud and wasn’t afraid to express his surprise. It was like he could’ve never imagined me this size.
Unsure if it was meant as a compliment, concern, or just a statement of shock. I answered in my typical Aquarian manner, “Yeah, I know.”
A few complimented kindly, while teachers expressed concern.
However, the thing was, I had only lost about 5-6 kilos during the summer; the same amount I lost last summer. But for some reason, these last kilos were more obvious to the general public than the 25 kilos I lost right in front of their eyes during the course of the school year.
* * * * *
I outgrew my anorexia in record time because though I had lost control, it was my decision to see how far I could go. It was a private experiment. Looking back, I would never win. I didn’t have a proper goal of how far I should go.
No one had to point out to me that I had an eating disorder, I figured it out by myself and I myself asked for help when I realized I lacked the proper tools to get out of it on my own.
This realization that my existence was the problem, not my looks, pulled me back into self-hatred and derpession.
It’s Never Like You’ve Imagined
I would have stayed anorexic had it not been for the complete disappointment that I felt.
During the first months of losing weight, I was on a natural high. I had come out of my depression and felt such love for myself and life: no more dark and suicidal thoughts, no more fake friends who could judge me. I was in charge.
I remember one day in drama class at school, we had to answer the question “What do you dislike most about yourself?” And I could not for the love of God find anything bad to say about myself. I truly loved every inch. And I replied this back to my teacher who got a little bit startled as everyone else in the room could at least think of something, if not several things.
After I went for the last few kilos I lost that part of me. I never felt enough. And though I didn’t have any friends, I suddenly felt judged by everyone.
There was this constant struggle between what others thought I should look like and what I myself wanted to experience. No one liked me or what I did when I weighed more. No one liked me or what I did as I weighed less.
A part of me thought that if I lost all this weight I would suddenly become more popular, guys would like me, and girls would finally treat me nicer. But instead, I was pretty much left with the same surroundings that I started with, only my body composition had changed. This realization that my existence was the problem, not my looks, pulled me back into self-hatred and depression.
* * * * *
Sometime in Autumn 2006:
I was sitting in the subway waiting for take-off when I saw a familiar face walk in and towards me.
“Hey there, it’s been a long time since we last saw each other, how have you been?” She said and sat down in front of me with curiosity.
It was my former bestie who I made the bet with and, shortly after, cut ties with.
I didn’t feel embarrassed as our friendship naturally fell apart – which is a prime sign that you’re better off without that person. What it means: I stopped calling. Time passed. And she never made an effort to contact me. She looked unabashed herself, and I was only thankful that she made the separation so easy.
“I almost did not recognize you, you’re looking slimmer!” She was surprised by my new small frame, and I noticed that she was looking slightly chubbier. Perhaps, karma does exist.
I jokingly brought up the ten she owed me, though it felt so distant and irrelevant now. Our conversation didn’t feel awkward at all though over a year had passed. It felt like our break from each other was mutual at some level.
Three stations later were my stop. We said to keep in touch, but we both knew that we were better off without each other, at least for now.
In order to change and grow
you need to indeed let go
of everything that doesn’t serve
the person you want to become.◼︎
